There shall be no highlights in this entry for this is what I truly feel.
What is love?
Throughout my 17 yrs, I can safely say I have never felt true love before.
All the girls I dated. What was it all about? I think back and I don�� understand. One after the other, I wondered even more. I was for company. I used to say,��It was a special time we had together.��
No doubt it was special but was it just an irony as a way to keep us aware and just be grateful.
Those were just empty words. Emotionless
Would any of you care if I was to sleep at the streets for a night cos I couldn�� get along with my parents?
Would you care if I was to start smoking?
Or just merely if I talked a little different on some days? Would you noticed?
As I like to diagnose myself, I am suffering from a lack of belongingness to my biological family. As a domino effect, I depend solely on my frens. Clingy to those who I feel will be my substitute to an ideal family that I wish to have.
With my gayish nature, guys will tend to find this offensive. But I pulled through. This made me think of my DNA make-up. I did not wish to be like this. I have self-hate for myself. Even I hate myself. I cant even stand my self at times. There�� always a side of me that I just want to get ride of. Since young I go to sleep thinking that the next day I wont be here. Wont even be born.
I am suicidal. Had that in my mind since sec 3. that�� rite from the 12th floor.
That�� until I found an easier to take away my own life. Carbon monoxide.
I have found my problem. I go out to this world to find somebody who would honestly care of my well being. Not when you are obligated to do so. So if you said no to all of the 3 qns I have posted then my search is still on.
If you at least said yes to one of it, that means I have given this address to the correct people.. haha..
Till the next time when I am having a day of sorrow.
PS: this came to my mind after I watched The Practice. It�� the episode where a drug dealer get evicted for Murder in the 1st degree as he blames the society his in and his parents who were not there for him.
8:31 PM